Unpopular Opinion

5 People Named Chris(topher) Who Did More For America Than Columbus

You mad bro?

So I guess today is Columbus Day. It says so on my calendar and it’s trending on Twitter. But a new trend is starting that replaces Columbus Day with Indigenous People’s Day and it’s starting to stir the pot. There have always been people opposed to Columbus Day; most Natives and anyone with any kind of common sense and compassion for Native history. We all know the story, 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, blah blah blah, he landed in the Bahamas and thought he was in India, disrespected hundreds of Native tribes and has the whole world calling them Indians, killed some people, acquired riches, the end. Happy Columbus Day.

There’s so many reasons I find it funny when Americans get butt hurt about people NOT wanting to celebrate Columbus Day. For one, Christopher Columbus never set foot on U.S. soil. He landed in the Caribbean, visited Central and South America, but never our country. I mean, Leif Ericson made it to North America centuries before Columbus was even thought of but there’s no federal holiday for him. Also, Columbus was kind of a race traitor. So to all the Italian-Americans offended by Indigenous People’s Day taking over Columbus day and disrespecting your heritage, Columbus said f*ck you a long time ago and sailed under the queen of Spain.

Anyhow, I just wanted to find the positive in the negative, so here are a few people who share his name and made better contributions to American society….

Christopher Wallace
Look, I’m not even a Biggie fan *dodges stones* but I can appreciate all that he’s made possible in the U.S. Without him, fat boys would’ve never had swag. Rappers wouldn’t have been able to steal his style and therefore would not exist today. Diddy wouldn’t be rich so we would have never had Ciroc. And no one would have ever so eloquently uttered the phrase “Babay, babay”

Christopher LloydChristopher Lloyd
Four words “Back to the Future.” Doc did more to shape late 20th century trends in America than any other fictional character. Just imagine what our world would be like if Doc hadn’t stolen the plutonium from the Lybians to create the flux capacitor. No ponchos, bubble vests, or hightop shoes with velcro. Although, I’m still waiting on hoverboards.

Chris (Everybody Hates Chris)
The first time I watched the show, I cried a little. it brought me peace to know that there were other people who grew up like me. Kind of the same way I felt when I watched the scene in Crooklyn when moms came home in the middle of the night and beat everyone out of their sleep because her house wasn’t clean. Chris speaks to the frustrated kid in all of us who grew up with hard-working, hard-assed parents and annoying siblings. The relatability helped many Americans embrace their own upbringings and feel just a little more normal.

Kris Jenner
Well, because Kim Kardashian. If the booty is real, Kris’ genes had something to do with it. If it’s fake, Kris’ crappy parenting caused Kim’s self-esteem issues that led her to get implants. Either way, thank you Kris for pimping out your children for our entertainment. And to your late ex-husband by proxy for getting OJ off the hook.

Chris TuckerChris Tucker
Detective Carter of the LAPD and Smokey are two of the most loved characters in cinema. Smokey warned us of the dangers of smoking unknown substances with your questionable associates. Detective Carter showed us that Blacks and Asians can (and should) unite to save children everywhere. Don’t do drugs. Encourage diversity. Far more positive than conquering the new world and mislabeling Natives before killing them off.


Honorable Mention: Chris Pratt
Have you seen Gaurdians of the Galaxy yet? Do it. Do it now. You’ll understand

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